Umbridge Strikes Again

by Elliot

As I’m sure many have noticed, Dolores Umbridge has made herself busy in the castle this year. She was brought back as a Ministry Informant looking into the death of many ministry employees, including our beloved Headmaster. She has quickly found a place on the First Floor Corridor and has gone back to her old ways of making site-wide decrees.

I’m sure most are aware of the unnecessary decrees, so I’ll spare you most of the details. But I do want to talk about some of the more neurotic ones. The first decree of Umbridge’s reign was a curfew. I can understand this, as it focuses on the students’ safety. But it’s just plain annoying.

Also during week 2, the evil incarnate menace informant enacted a decree in which all members must post at a font size between 4 and 9 when in the library. Now, I don’t know about you, but I’d say that has less to do with the safety of students and more to do with the fact that Umbridge’s eyes aren’t really what they used to be.

During week 4, the devil reincarnated Dolores put two new decrees into effect. Decree number 12 is that risk assessments must be provided for all practicals by professors. Although this does not affect students, I’m sure this is quite the fun task for professors. Although this is probably a valuable task to ensure students’ safety, many people are annoyed by the fact that in all the years of performing practicals, there have been very rare cases of students getting injured.

In light of these new decrees, professors have found themselves taking a stand. The PANDA Protest was started by Disa, which stands for: Professors Against Nonsense Decree Affliction. More information can be found in the Great Hall, along with many (admittedly hilarious) signs against Umbridge.

I, for one, am siding with these professors, as Umbridge has done enough to this school. She was hired as a Ministry Informant, but I find, along with many other students and alumni, that she has returned to her old ways. It may seem like Umbridge is taking over the fun at Hogwarts, but students and alumni alike will not let Umbridge strike for the third time. She will not last much longer.

Riddle Cup Update

by Crystalink

After match upon match of swooping in for bishops, forking rooks with knights, and flipping metaphorical boards, the first round of the Riddle Cup has finally come to an end. The following participants will be moving forward to Round 2:

1. Elara Lufkin 2. White_Star
3. xSarahsan 4. Willow Maid
5. Alyssa Pan 6. Lilly Mckinnon
7. beauty_inthebook 8. Ashftslipknot14

9. DreamEcho 10. EllaLuna
11. PAPANOLA

Gryffindors have done surprisingly well thus far in this year’s tournament, taking the top two spots in the first round, as well as the fifth. After seven years straight of Ravenclaw taking the Riddle and Aragon-Gagwilde Cups, it seems that Gryffindor and Slytherin will have a solid fighting chance—let’s take a closer look at our top three competitors.

Currently in third place is xSarahsan, the Slytherin Head Girl. In round one, she hasn’t always put up the greatest fight in the matches she’s lost, but she’s been pretty vicious in the ones she’s won, which is all but two of them. Sarah has placed consistently well in Round 1 since Year 45. Last year, she was runner-up for the bracket rounds, losing the final to AnneliseWolfe. Now that Annelise has graduated, however, Sarah might have a good shot at bringing the Riddle Cup home.

In second place is White_Star, aka Kal, Gryffindor NEWT student and Year 39 Riddle Cup champion. Finishing with 10 of 11 possible points, she lost only against Elara Lufkin for their ongoing match, which was called against Kal. Notably, Kal proceeded to lead the game afterwards by a considerable amount before winning on time. Since she did technically win against Elara, if she’s able to do so again in a reasonable timeframe during the bracket rounds, she might be able to secure the Riddle Cup a second time before her upcoming graduation. However, she’s made some tactical blunders in her games, especially against Willow Maid, so she’ll have to brush up on her tactics if she really wants to win.

Last, but certainly not least, is Elara Lufkin in first place. Elara, aka Nat, is a Gryffindor first year and the dark horse of this year’s competition. She finished with all possible points, beating every single one of her competitors. Some of her wins against opponents who placed relatively high in Round 1 are ridiculously clean, finishing with a 98.2% accuracy against Willow Maid and 99.4% accuracy against xSarahsan, without blunders, mistakes, missed wins, or inaccuracies in either match. Plus, she had been doing pretty well against Kal too, before she blundered it away. Kal’s wins against Sarah and Willow haven’t been nearly as clean.

Even if these three currently have the advantage, at this point in the tournament, everyone still has a chance of winning, so good luck to all of the competitors. Next issue, we’ll be talking about the bracket round, so be sure to pick it up!

Disclaimer: All chess-related statistics, namely accuracy and frequency of blunders, were calculated by chess.com's Stockfish-based chess engine.

Umbridge Unabridged

by: Elara Lufkin

Editor's Note: Unfortunately, the article included below IS an abridged version simply because Madam Umbridge's responses were a tad lengthy. If you would like to read the full interview without any removals, a copy of the full-length interview can be found at my desk.

Dolores Umbridge—a name that causes a largely negative reaction from witches and wizards throughout the wizarding world. But who is the witch behind the name? Many of The Quibbler’s other reporters, including our own editor, have expressed viewpoints on Madam Umbridge’s new role and appointment at Hogwarts this year. I have been fortunate enough to sit down with our very busy Ministry Informant to learn a little bit more about her, and what exactly she is doing at Hogwarts in her own words.

EL: Firstly, Madam Umbridge, our readers are intrigued to know about your recent stay in Azkaban, can you provide them with any insight as to how this has shaped your approach to this investigation, and if you have experienced any personal growth or changes you wish to reflect on in light of this experience?
DU: Dear, there are simply some things you do not talk about, and it is impolite to ask … you’d do well to remember it. All I shall say is that it is indeed fortunate that I am familiar with our security systems, both in Azkaban, and outside of it.

EL: My apologies Madam Umbridge, no disrespect was meant, of course, our readers simply wish to understand you better. Your decrees have been the subject of much discussion and debate across the site—could you please tell us more about how these decrees are aiding the investigation into the recent spree of murders?
DU: Yes, I am quite aware of the resistance among students and professors regarding these decrees. [...] These decrees have been set primarily for the safety of students which has been at the top of our priority [...] and, as the Ministry Informant who has been placed at Hogwarts, it is my duty to improve upon what is lacking. These educational decrees are based on what I have witnessed firsthand [speaking with] professors and students alike. I have been spending [an appropriate] amount of time on establishing these decrees [...]. I must remind everyone that not all aspects of the investigation are made public, so it is best that you do not assume that I have not contributed.

EL: It must be frustrating for someone in your position to have to consistently justify their methods. Let's focus on the investigation at hand. I understand that you and Professor Riddle have quite the history, has this impacted your take on the case in any way? At the time of sending these questions, Professor Riddle has not joined the other members of staff in the topical PANDA protests, does this mean your relationship has returned to a warmer, more cordial one?
DU: While I have had my disagreements with some of William Riddle’s methods. However, a good investigator does not let disagreements cloud their judgement when unravelling a case. I do certainly think that his more lax [sic] approach to safety and security could have led to it being all too easy for the murderers to have access to the castle, but I am doing my best to remedy those, and our relationship, as always, is cordially professional.

EL: Madam Umbridge, your professionalism will be most reassuring to our readers. At the time of writing this article the PANDA protests are happening, do you feel you are losing the support of the Hogwarts staff for your methods. There are also murmurings of discontent, even rebellion, among the students. Can you please tell us your thoughts on this behaviour and what would you recommend students, or staff members, who hear about adversarial action from their peers do?
DU: The PANDA protest is an outright disrespect towards authority that should not be tolerated. It is a clear indication of the lack of control the Headmistress seems to have. I am disgusted that the professors, who should be setting a good role model for the students are the ones who are acting completely unprofessional. It’s clear that the castle is in chaos and I, as Ministry Informant, will do my best to re-establish order in this place. You must make the right decisions and follow the rules that have been established, or they will be punished.

EL: I’m sure our readers will bear in mind your warning. Finally, can you provide any insight or leads to assist those who are investigating the recent murders?
DU: The information about the investigation is confidential and will not be leaked to a public newspaper, especially one that has a reputation of ridiculous false facts and outrageous stories. The readers must trust that the investigation is going well and do their part by agreeing with the safety precautions being placed.

EL: Thank you for your time, Madam Umbridge, your responses have been most enlightening, I will be sure to send you a copy of The Quibbler, with your interview.

Readers, I had hoped to include a fast five responses from Madam Umbridge as a fun way to get to know her, all that was required was that she’d finish five sentences with her first thoughts upon reading them. Unfortunately, Madam Umbridge deemed this exercise beneath her position and thus delegated the task as per the quote below:

“As to that list at the end, I shall not deign to answer it; such trivialities, while not beneath The Quibbler’s clientele, I dare say, are certainly well below someone of my status with the Ministry. If you wish to ask someone such things, I suggest trying Professor Linda or Disa.”

Luckily, I was able to get in touch with Professor Disa, who when advised of Madam Umbridge’s delegation to her, was very obliging in answering these questions on her behalf. Please see the responses from Disa, in the stead of Madam Umbridge, below:

Azkaban is the best place ever! I absolutely had a splendid time being surrounded with like-minded creatures! I got along so well with the dementors, they are just as cold and soulless as me!
I am happiest when I’m making in outrageously nonsensical decree! It just gives me so much joy, I just cannot express it in words! In fact, if ever need to cast a patronus, that’s what I think of! … though dementors are friends, so patronuses aren’t too necessary.
The most valuable lesson I have learnt is you can think centaurs are filthy half-breeds, but just don’t say it to their face.
Professor Riddle is history. How fitting that he teaches that subject!
The role of the Ministry Informant is whatever I want it to be. Who’s gonna stop me? The PANDA Protest? Pshh these professors can’t lay a finger on me. They couldn’t even get out of silly little risk assessment! The Headmistress? Oh, she can only do so much when there’s something waayy bigger happening. *high-pitched evil laugh*

ONE DISASTER

AT A TIME...